I have let myself sink into silence, into a state of apathy and listlessness. Sometimes I feel like my life just goes around in circles; like a dog chasing its tail, I’m chasing something that is just out of reach, something I don’t quite understand, but I have this hollow feeling that I desperately need it.
So I’ve let myself forget what makes me happy and, instead, given in to the usual excuses.
Too much work.
Too many people to see.
Too much of a social life.
Too many things to do.
You know the ones.
Last night I had a conversation with a young writer. I babbled, partly because there was Shiraz involved, and partly because the conversation made me nervous.
“Priorities,” I advised. “Get your priorities straight and don’t lose sight of what you need to do. Everything else exists to support what you want to achieve.”
Meanwhile, the little voice in the back of my head was rolling its eyes and remaining silent because it knew full well that I knew what it wanted to say.
I had a bright idea when I was in Bangkok and madly scribbled it out, and haven’t looked at it since then. My priorities didn’t change, I just forgot to remember what they were. It’s very hard to explain to people that you don’t want to see them because you want to write. To many, it is not a valid excuse to be “anti-social”. But the thing is, I’m really struggling to focus on my writing. I’m easily distracted by lolcats and Facebook, and there is a general feeling of restlessness that plagues me. I cannot settle, I cannot focus, and I certainly cannot write.
My priorities. They remain the same. Write. Travel. Learn. They overlap and twirl around one another, though other aspects of my life try to trip them up, at times.
I’ve got my priorities, but I don’t have confidence. I am unfulfilled because when I sit down to write I start questioning myself, my ideas, my writing. My confidence took a hit and I don’t know when or how it happened, but it was shattered and I haven’t been the same since.
I have my goals, but goals are nothing if you don’t have the confidence to achieve them, the confidence to look someone in the eye and say “I won’t make it, I have to write” … they’re nothing if you don’t have the confidence to just write.
I let a day slip by. A week. A month. Several months. I have ideas, but I’m not executing them. Why? That’s no longer important. What is important is that no more days are going to pass me by.
With a spoonful of confidence, I’m going to squeeze every word out of every day.
Because I have to write.
Image credit: Eva the Weaver